Dilemaa..

Alright before i start blogging, i just got back from the toilet & i want blog about how disgusting some people can get. I decided to use the handicap toilet, because i want to stare at the mirror for a long time without anyone looking at me. I'm a vain pot, thank you. I decided to pee, since i'm already in the toilet. So when i lifted the seat( idk what is that called), there were stains of urine on it. I tell you, it was god damn gross. I took a few toilet papers attempting to wipe the stains off. I failed. I didn't dare to sit on that disgusting urine stained seat. This is why i always prefer using the squat cubical when i'm outside or in school.

Okay, now to the main point about what i want to blog.

This few days, i've been troubled with two things - school and cheer, due to tryouts. Eversince i stepped into poly, i've never been worried about school. Let's just say, i do not give a damn about it. Lets talk about school first. For the past 3 sememster i've been, the last two was the one that has been the worst. I skipped school without feeling guilty, coming to school late almost everyday towards the middle, 'forgetting to do my RJ' and not being worried when UT was nearing. Therefore, i was downgraded many times & my GPA dropped tremendously.. I was only a tad worried even when i realised that my GPA dropped so much. Until 4 days ago, i recieved an email. I had a mix of feelings when i recieved that mail. I couldn't accept the fact yet & i was really upset about it. Only then, i woke up. I, couldn't even be bothered about my studies at first, become someone who is really afraid of it now.. I'm making myself to be more discipline & not be lazy. I'll work harder this semester. I know i can do it.

Next, Cheer. I love cheer, i really do. If not i wouldn't have stayed on for so long even when i did not have much close friends there & i wasn't a good cheerleader. (From the start, i knew i wasn't. & i know i will never be. I've never excel in anything through this 19years..) I do feel hurtful when i hurt my bases because of my poor locking. I do feel hurtful when i failed in my partner stunts and had wasted my base's time & effort. I do feel hurtful when i do stunts & it was not able to go up and had wasted my bases' time & effort again. Sometimes, i do injured them too, but not on purpose. My mind is very weak. I am very afraid to do stunts now, because i know it will never go up. Even if it does, it doesn't stay consistant.. Sometimes it makes me wonder too, is it by luck that the stunt succeeded.

I love the people there, because when i go to training with a lousy mood, it's their silly actions that makes me happy. Even though i was tired at the end of the day, i was contented.. Cheerleading can really bring me down & bring me up at the same time.

Now, i've to chose between this two. Studies or Cheerleading? I'm afraid i would regret to the choice i make. I really am..

What should i do?

I'm feeling very lousy now..

Please be there for me okay?