I'm starting to realize that what we both want, ain't the same.. & i realize everything that i did, wasn't worth it anymore.. Just a few minutes ago, we argued & sadly, things ended. I'm extremely mad till i cried, because i don't understand what did i do to get that tone from you. Was i in the wrong? I know i wasn't.. because i know i did tried & that's enough.
I'm sure most of you know, trust ain't easy to build at all. & it is very important in relationships, be it friendship, kinship, it is equally important.
Once trust is broken, it is not easy to build it back..
I'm not sure if you guys know, actually i'm someone who is really paranoid & negative. Whenever something bad comes into my head, i'd always feel negative & i'd starting thinking if he is lying or is he hanging out with another girl. I guess only my ex boyf knows this, because i'd always question & question non stop..
But for now, I've tried to changed because from the start, J has clearly told me that trust is important & we have to trust each other no matter what.. From being who i was in the past, i became less paranoid. & i changed because i love him & i wanted this relationship to work. However, just recently, i found out that J lied to me.. It was a few in fact. I was really heartbroken. Because i didn't expect him to lie.
At that time, i fell so so hard. I was lost, confused, afraid, angry, disappointed, helpless and all sorts of negative feelings you can think of. I didn't know to do, or what should i do. All i could think of was all the negatives thoughts if we continued our journey.. & i clearly know that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But i questioned myself, do i still love him? Yes, i do & i still want him to be in my life.
I picked myself up, told myself that i'd have to forgive & forget because that's what love is all about. True love is about forgiving & forgetting.. Even though it wasn't easy at all, i did it. I told him that i forgave him but he would have to give me time to forget everything. But he didn't..
After that incident, there were loads of times i doubted him & had the urge to ask him if he was lying, but i kept it all to myself. I wanted to build this trust, i wanted to act on my words that i really did forgave him. Except for a few times, i really had to ask. I don't think i asked a lot.. & he agreed that i could ask too.
However, just awhile ago, i was trying to clear my doubt with him & he suddenly flared up. I really don't understand. I don't think i asked in an offensive manner & i didn't think that i was trying to pick a fight with him.. What hurt the most was when he said why did i want to pick a fight. Nobody knows how much i want to cherish this last 2 weeks with you before you enlist so why would i want to pick a fight with you? All girls feel insecure, they doubt, they don't trust because they love their partners so much that they are afraid that one day they are gonna leave with someone else.. I am afraid too, who isn't?
Broken hearts ain't easy to fix, it'd definitely take some time.. Everything you see it's just on the surface but do you truely understand what is going on deep inside my heart? I am really trying to bring myself up but why do you have to keep bringing me down. Falling down & standing up, falling down & standing up, it is really not easy you know?
When i got brought down by you so badly earlier on & yet i told myself don't give up, i don't know why you had to tweet "If you cannot trust again then I really see no point of us trying so hard to be tgt." Sometimes i really want to you feel the pain that i'm feeling & i want you to go through what i am going through but i know it doesn't work this way..
I'm sure most of you know, trust ain't easy to build at all. & it is very important in relationships, be it friendship, kinship, it is equally important.
Once trust is broken, it is not easy to build it back..
I'm not sure if you guys know, actually i'm someone who is really paranoid & negative. Whenever something bad comes into my head, i'd always feel negative & i'd starting thinking if he is lying or is he hanging out with another girl. I guess only my ex boyf knows this, because i'd always question & question non stop..
But for now, I've tried to changed because from the start, J has clearly told me that trust is important & we have to trust each other no matter what.. From being who i was in the past, i became less paranoid. & i changed because i love him & i wanted this relationship to work. However, just recently, i found out that J lied to me.. It was a few in fact. I was really heartbroken. Because i didn't expect him to lie.
At that time, i fell so so hard. I was lost, confused, afraid, angry, disappointed, helpless and all sorts of negative feelings you can think of. I didn't know to do, or what should i do. All i could think of was all the negatives thoughts if we continued our journey.. & i clearly know that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But i questioned myself, do i still love him? Yes, i do & i still want him to be in my life.
I picked myself up, told myself that i'd have to forgive & forget because that's what love is all about. True love is about forgiving & forgetting.. Even though it wasn't easy at all, i did it. I told him that i forgave him but he would have to give me time to forget everything. But he didn't..
After that incident, there were loads of times i doubted him & had the urge to ask him if he was lying, but i kept it all to myself. I wanted to build this trust, i wanted to act on my words that i really did forgave him. Except for a few times, i really had to ask. I don't think i asked a lot.. & he agreed that i could ask too.
However, just awhile ago, i was trying to clear my doubt with him & he suddenly flared up. I really don't understand. I don't think i asked in an offensive manner & i didn't think that i was trying to pick a fight with him.. What hurt the most was when he said why did i want to pick a fight. Nobody knows how much i want to cherish this last 2 weeks with you before you enlist so why would i want to pick a fight with you? All girls feel insecure, they doubt, they don't trust because they love their partners so much that they are afraid that one day they are gonna leave with someone else.. I am afraid too, who isn't?
Broken hearts ain't easy to fix, it'd definitely take some time.. Everything you see it's just on the surface but do you truely understand what is going on deep inside my heart? I am really trying to bring myself up but why do you have to keep bringing me down. Falling down & standing up, falling down & standing up, it is really not easy you know?
When i got brought down by you so badly earlier on & yet i told myself don't give up, i don't know why you had to tweet "If you cannot trust again then I really see no point of us trying so hard to be tgt." Sometimes i really want to you feel the pain that i'm feeling & i want you to go through what i am going through but i know it doesn't work this way..
Dear Jon,
I just re-read your tweets & i'm sorry for all the nonsense i gave you. All i wanted to say is that i really tried my very best after everything & i really minimized my doubts for you. From the start of this relationship, I've never stop trying at all even though i said mean words to you & initiate breakups.. I really did put my 100% in this & i really wanted this to work. Perhaps, it all wasn't enough..
Love, Lee Ling
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